The story of one ill boys journey into insanity then realization

Most people have no clue what lonelyness truly is. Girls cry about not having a boyfriend for the weekend. Thats not lonelyness, thats ridiculous. For two days you have no one to hold on to? What about those who cannot remember what holding someone is like. Cause thats where i am. What is that called? Lonelyness? Solitude? To understand my truly inner fears you must first understand why I am this way. For the sake of those who need a name, you can call me Thomas. Thomas is of corse not my real name but at this point it doesnt matter. Names or thoughts are not important, what is important is what you do with those thoughts. Ive just recently realized ive lived my life backwards for a good portion of it. By backwards I mean ive waited for everything to come to me. And cursed myself when nothing did. To truly receive something you must fight for it. And not in a military or war means by anymeans, Im talking about with your heart if you want something shoot for it. Now allow me to explain a bit about myself, My name is Thomas. Im by no means an attractive person, Inside or out. You could say a mental disease withered my insides as much as my outsides, Ugly is the one word to describe myself. Im 5'11, not the biggest and by no means small. Broad shoulders, leading down to strong arms and large forarms. My face rarely shaven mostly showing off a two day shadow from lack of reason to shave. Who must i show off for? Large lips and Blue eyes which might actually be pretty if they wernt so cold. Dark brown hair that is somewhat short, shaggy on the sides with bangs that reach my eye brows. Always unkempt. As a child, my mother raised me by her self. Never speaking much about my father yet she married a man when i was three, at that age I'd have no memory of any incidents that transpired. I didnt know i was a bastard until the age of ten when she told me my real father was a soldier. He left her when he found out she was pregnant. But to my dismay she allowed him to pick my name. Did she not realize that factor would send me reeling, unable to escape the truth when i was older? Probably not shes a nice woman, very strong willed which leads to arguments between her and I. But deep down i love her, I think she knows so. At least... I hope she does. Now back to the man she married, He was a tall man light brown hair. Rough around the edges, Good with cars. I loved him as a father, But sometimes adults disagree which led to there divorce. Sometimes children who go through events like that form character flaws. I was no different, I became a bane of any teacher i learned under. Constantly talking back, Unable to reason. As i got older the more my fuse shortened. At thirteen, I gained a mass of weight from a long period of depression which led to sitting inside and never enjoying life. Could my mother know i was depressed? Doubtfull. Junior highschool came, of corse i was the heavyest and the shortest so the teasing of the more attractive students was never far behind me. The constant harassment of the students only added to the desperation to leave school. I'd run for the gates every chance I had. Or leave sick. No friends, Well real friends anyways. I had the kind of "friends" who would talk to you, then make fun of you behind your back. But they were popular and for once i didnt care. I was the jackass of the group